Space Bar
by John Hawkman
Summary: Lorne finally re-opens Caritas, after 500 years. After BDM, the crew of Serenity have a lot of need for his abilities...
1. Chapter 1

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Lorne stepped down from the ladder, and looked at the banner he had hung up.

"Do you think it's too much?" he asked the foreman

"Grand Re-Reopening?" the Foreman asked, "Uh…yeah, I think people will get it."

"Good to know," Lorne said

"But that bouncer of yours, I'm not so sure about."

"Oh, he's harmless."

"Yeah, but who bleaches their hair, in this day and age?"

/

Later…

/

The opening was a success; several patrons were inside, among them an interesting gang of space-smugglers. Mal, Zoe, and Jayne were drinking, Kaylee was attempting to get Simon to sing, and River was attempting Karaoke.

"This waiting round is killing me," she sang, her eyes darting from the machine to the audience, "She drives me crazy, like no one else…"

Simon gave Kaylee an angry look.

"I swear, she picked out the song herself," she groaned

"Barkeep," Mal called, "Another pint of ale."

The bartender passed it to him.

"That's twelve credits ninety-five," the bartender said

Lorne slid in next to the captain.

"We don't get many of you rough-and-tumble space bandits in here," Lorne admitted

"Not surprising, at these prices," Mal replied

"Hah!" Lorne laughed, "That one never gets old!"

Mal turned to Lorne, and almost fell out of his seat. The Pylean's appearance surprised him.

"You're…" he began

"I'm a demon," Lorne explained, "Not an alien."

"A demon?"

"Yeah, creature from hell. Most of us, even the vampires, went back to our respective dimensions after the Alliance cracked down on the supernatural."

"So you're anti-Alliance?"

"Pretty much. But I like to remain neutral."

"Well…I'm sorry, what was your name?"

"Call me The Host."

"OK, Host, what does a Demon need with a karaoke bar?"

"I can read people when they're singing," Lorne explained

"Read…people?" Mal asked

"Yeah. You know, tell their future, their destiny…"

"Can you read River?"

"The girl? Sure."

Lorne focused on her.

"Wow," he grinned, "That girl is going places. A few obstacles in the way, but she'll get there in one piece."

"Huh," Mal nodded, "Sounds right. Can you do me?"

"I'd need a couple of seabreezes."

"What?"

"Nothing. I can read you, but you have to sing."

/

A pint of liquid courage later…

/

"Because I can't smile without you!" Mal sang, "I can't laugh! And I can't think! I'm finding it hard to do anything! Because I feel sad when you're sad!"

Serenity's crew looked on nervously.

"What is he thinking?" Jayne groaned

"I think the song's kinda pretty," Kaylee admitted

/

Mal finished the song, and went back to Lorne.

"See?" Lorne asked, "That wasn't so hard, was it?"

"Says you," Mal wiped the sweat off his brow, "So what can you tell me?"

"Well…" Lorne exhaled heavily, "Mal, you're in for some trials and tribble-ations."

"You mean tribulations?"

"Right. Sorry, Star Trek marathon on the sci-fi wave last night. Anyway, things pretty much work out for you."

"That's all? Can't you tell me anything more?"

"My hands are tied by the powers-that-be. But, uh, between you and me…"

Lorne leaned in closer to Mal.

"Just tell Inara you're sorry."

"But she started it!" Mal groaned

"Mal…" Lorne sighed

"Fine, I'll tell her tomorrow," Mal grumbled

/

The crew took off. Mal paid for the drinks.

"We'll tell all our friends," Mal assured

"Cool."

/

Closing time…

/

"Well, as far as grand openings go, we did pretty good," the bartender said, counting his tips

"Yeah," Lorne nodded, "I think we should look into doing a theme night. Maybe something like…"

There was a knock on the window. Lorne turned to see a spiky-haired man in a leather coat standing outside. In the rain.

"Lorne!" the guy called, "Please let me in?"

Lorne tapped on a sign that said "No Angel's".

"Sorry, buddy, rules are rules," he said

"But you let in Angel Chan-To!"

"It says no ANGELS! We're allowed to have one!"

Angel silently mulled over the logic.

"Damn it…" he muttered, walking away


	2. Chapter 2

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Lorne walked onto the stage, carrying his guitar. He didn't usually perform outside Caritas, but the Pylean needed to vent, and he didn't want to risk depressing his clientele.

"How's everyone doing tonight?" he asked, "Good to know. I'd like to play a little tune for you guys, um, it's a little something I've been working on. It's called…"

Lorne paused mid-sentence.

"…Cordy and Fred. I, um, wrote it about these girls I once knew."

Lorne began to sing his song. His sang about two girls who journeyed to a big city. One was a egotistic girl, abandoned by her parents, and forced to make it on her own. The other was a naïve girl from a farm, who wanted to learn more about life. They each got into bad situations, and ended up being saved by a man who led them down a dark path. The ending line of the song implied that it didn't work out so well.

"Thank you," Lorne said

/

He adjourned to the bar.

"Seabreeze," he ordered

"What's that?" the bartender asked

"You don't know how to make a seabreeze?"

"No…"

"What you do is, fill a highball glass with ice cubes,"

"OK," the bartender nodded

"Then pour in vodka, cranberry juice, and…grapefruit juice over the ice."

The bartender gave Lorne an odd look, but made the drink anyway.

"Now stir it THREE times," Lorne added, "Then add a wedge of lime."

The bartender slid the drink over.

"Mm," Lorne took a drink, "You make a good seabreeze. But I recommend getting some freshly squeezed grapefruit juice in the house."

"I will. Um…just throwing this out there, but…are you a Demon?"

"Yeah," Lorne nodded

"Don't tell me…Fyarl?"

"Pylean."

"Oh. I thought you guys were all warriors?"

"Not this one. I'm sort of the black sheep of the family."

"Huh."

/

Lorne drank a few too many seabreezes, then headed back to Caritas II, and collapsed on his bed. He drunkenly slammed his hand on the answering machine.

"Hey Lorne, it's Angel. Two things, very important…"

Lorne slammed his hand on the delete button.

"Hey Lorne, Angel again. I forgot to tell you…"

Slam.

"Oh, Lorne, I almost forgot…"

Slam. Slam. Slam.

/

3AM…

/

Someone was ringing the doorbell. Reluctantly, Lorne pulled himself out of bed.

"OK, I'm coming…" he muttered, "Keep your hair on."

He opened up the door, revealing a woman in an expensive silk dress. She was very beautiful.

"Lorne?" Inara asked

"No. The Host," he corrected

"Sorry. But you are the singing fortune teller?"

"Guilty as charged."

"Can you read my aura?"

"I'm a little bit tired, can we do this tomorrow?"

"Actually, I only have a few hours before I have to leave for Osiris."

"Fine."

Lorne waited.

"Well?" he asked

"Oh, right, I have to sing…"

Inara paused.

"You're intentions are known, they've found out at last,  
>So if you're gonna take me, please make it fast…"<p>

"Stop!" Lorne said, holding up a hand

"That bad?" Inara winced

"No, I got what I need. Please, come on in…"

/

Lorne gave Inara a glass of warm milk.

"So, Inara Serra, you're having conflicted feelings about your crush on the spaceman?"

Inara was surprised.

"Wow, you're good."

"Not really. Your song choice kind of gave it away."

"Choice? It was just the first song that came into my head."

"'I Lost My Heart to a Starship Trooper'?"

"Ma la ge bi. You got me."

"The thing is, Inara, you have to be patient with Mal. He's a good guy, he's just a bit rough. It'll work out, just try not to jump on him every time he makes a mistake."

"Okay."

"Also, don't get that haircut," Lorne said, "It makes you look like the leader of an alien invasion."

"Got it."

/

Inara left. Spike walked out of his room, in a black robe. He had changed in the years since he had gotten his soul; whilst he retained his youthful looks, he had mellowed out. His hair was still bleached, but it was messier, more relaxed.

"Hey Host, who was that?" Spike asked

"A companion," Lorne replied

"Urgh…" Spike shook his head, "You know, I hate that young girls look up to them. I'm working on a poem about it."

"Can't wait to hear it," Lorne smiled

/


	3. Chapter 3

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Lorne hung the microphone up on the stand.

"And up next, we up have Will, who's going to read us a poem he wrote," Lorne said

"It's a work in progress!" Spike added quickly

"Oh, don't be modest," Lorne grinned

/

Later…

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The doctor from Serenity was back.

"Um, this is a song I kind of like," he said

"Oh boy…" Lorne breathed

The music started playing.  
>"A hot summer night, fell like a net," Simon sang, "I've gotta find my baby yet,"<p>

I need you to soothe my head,  
>Turn my blue heart to red,<br>Doctor, doctor give me the news!  
>I've got a…bad case of lovin' you!"<p>

/

"So, Host, what can you tell me?" Simon asked

Lorne looked at Simon with frustration.

"What?" Simon asked

"You told her you liked her because it was either her or your sister?" Lorne groaned

"Yeah…?"

"And you pushed her off the ship?"

"We were over a lake! Everyone was doing it!"

"And you told her that dress made her look fat?"

"It did! And besides, she asked me!"

Lorne slammed his head down on the counter; his horns made dents.

"Can you tell me anything?" Simon asked

"Yes!"

Lorne sighed, and started writing some instructions.

"OK. Let's start with Valentine's Day…"

"Valentine's Day?"

"Lǐwù ài Day," Lorne corrected himself, "Don't give her exercise equipment, don't say you're not giving gifts this year, don't give her…"

"What if she says she doesn't want to do gifts?" Simon interrupted

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Two hours later…

/

Simon was tied to a chair.

"OK, what do you do if Kaylee says you don't have to come with her to visit her parents, and you don't feel like going?" Lorne asked

"Then I don't go?" Simon attempted

Lorne turned to Spike, and nodded. Spike sprayed Simon with a hose.

"Ah!" Simon exclaimed

"Host, at this rate, the water bill's going to be through the roof," Spike informed

"I know…" Lorne sighed


End file.
